EXPAT VIEW
Cheers - "Gan Bei" !
Tips: how to survive the Chinese banquet
The restaurant is to the Chinese what the pub is to the Irish: A very social event revolving around food and drink. Life milestones, weddings, business meetings, after-work eating binges, festive parties and granny's 80th birthday all take place in similar surroundings, and follow the same patterns. Even the most formal Chinese banquet, however, is not set in Victorian England. The rules are there, and they are usually observed, but their true purpose is to provide a channel through which companions can show their respect for each other. Bending them never results in the perpetrator being ostracized from society. For foreigners, Chinese banquets are a fascinating journey down five thousand years of kitchen magic and social finesse. The Chinese reveal their true nature at the dinner table, and they'll go out of their way to make sure every square inch of your belly is stuffed up with food and wine. Just remember to take it easy on the latter, unless you don't mind waking up in the morning with a face as red as the Chinese flag.
Determining the seating arrangements.
The Chinese banquet is usually conducted around a large, lazy susan-style table. If you are eating in a private room, the host will sit facing the door. In theory, as a guest, you should sit beside the host, on the left hand side. There is a complex order governing where diners should position themselves. This can take time to resolve, especially when guests quiz each other on their birth dates and social ranking. Each usually tries to humbly convince the other that she is more worthy of the higher ranked seat. The least important or the youngest guest will find himself sitting beside the door. Some times, the best course of action is simply to exercise patience until someone insists to seat you somewhere. Don't bother to jump into your own perch. Of all the Chinese dinner table etiquettes, this is probably the one taken most seriously.
Cold dishes
When everyone is sitting comfortably, the first of many, many dishes will arrive. Before you know it, this dish will have multiplied quicker than a gremlin in a swimming pool. These are the cold dishes, or appetizers. The sheer number, variety and style of these dishes can fool the inexperienced into thinking that this is in fact the entire meal. The over-eager eater will soon discover that this is not the case.
Before the first chopstick captures a single crumb, the host will say a few words. He or she will explain the purpose behind the feast, be it a welcoming, a farewell, a thank you or a plea for business. At this stage, not a great deal of response is expected, so it's best to smile, nod and clap along with the crowd.
Main courses
The procession of main courses is usually seamlessly mixed with that of the appetizers. Dish upon dish of mouth-watering grub is served up.
Certain species possess their own set of protocol that should be observed while they are devoured. Fish is one of them. The whole fish, head and tail included, is positioned on the table so that its gaping mouth faces the most important guest. This privileged person is usually offered the first morsel, before a free-for-all is declared on its flesh. Turning the fish over is sometimes perceived as a no-no; traditionally, fishermen believed this would cause their boat to capsize.
Chickens are also usually served whole, or attached to their bones. Do not be surprised to see your companions skillfully spit the unwanted bones onto a side plate. Try this for yourself if you dare: It is easily mastered and actually great fun. Chinese banquets tend to be noisy affairs, and not just for the fluid conversations. An orchestra composed of lip-smackers, soup-slurpers, meat-chompers, bone-spitters, glass-clinkers, chopstick-snappers and lazy susan-spinners provides entertaining gastro-symphonies as background music.
Most foreigners share a common fear: What on earth should be done if a stewed bull's penis is suddenly slapped down upon the table? Will the host be offended if I refuse to sample such an organ? Rest assured, if you were in such a situation, you probably wouldn't know it. At banquets, the Chinese are famed for serving up all sorts of exotic fare (in the south particularly); it's often said they'll eat anything with legs apart from the table. However, most of the more nauseating ingredients are so cleverly disguised in the dishes that you generally won't have a clue what you're putting in your mouth. In any case, the best solution is to remain ignorant: Simply don't ask, and try everything once or just leave it in your side plate.
Who are boozers?
People often assume that the Irish are the champion boozers of the world. This is not the case. Alcohol flows in no small volume at Chinese banquets, and the floodgates are flung wide open at business events. Memoranda of misunderstanding are common, and agreements can be made when neither party is sound of mind. This is something to be wary of. Even the most hardened lush in the West might have trouble with Chinese imbibers' favorite tipple: baijiu. Innocuously labeled "white wine," the popular table spirit is nothing of the sort. Ranging between 50 and 70 proof, to label this stuff "rocket fuel" is a perfectly apt description. Whilst most Chinese love it, and guzzle it down with great gusto, foreigners would be well advised to limit their intake of this sickly-sweet substance, for the sake of their livers if not their valuable time. Beer is a perfect substitute and you may have advantages over Chinese people. Mind you, as soon as the drink looses its sweet taste, you have had enough. Unfortunately, by the time this happens, the damage is often already done.
Toasting process
Whatever your tipple, a hilarious part of the Chinese banquet is the systematic toasting process. Simple toasts are made, expressing thanks to the host, respect for the guest, and good wishes, health, fortune and prosperity to all. Rules here very much depend on the occasion, but there are a couple of constants. If you learn no other Chinese vocabulary at all, make sure you can say gan bei. Literally meaning "bottom up," and the toaster screams this after his speech. The toasting hierarchy usually follows that of the seating arrangements, but after a few gan bei it's hard to keep track. Don't worry about what to say when your turn comes - employ a strategy of humorous flattery and you'll be fine. This ritual could also be the reason why, on average, Chinese gluttons are slimmer than their western counterparts, as they burn off the calories as they go along: All guests are required to stand up for each toast and sit down (or stumble down) afterwards.
